Laws for Life

 

Lion and Thomson's Gazelles
Image by Stig Nygaard via Flickr

 

Throughout recorded history, societies and individuals have compiled laws and philosophies to guide us in our day-to-day activities and relationships. They range in form from the rather prosaic, such as The Ten Commandments, to the more poetic, such as this African proverb;

Every morning in Africa a gazelle awakens knowing it must today run faster than the fastest lion or it will be eaten. Every morning a lion awakens knowing it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve. It matters not whether you are a gazelle or a lion, when the sun rises you had better be running.

Sometimes, the advice proffered is so straight-laced and serious that we cannot help making fun of it.

“… and so, Simba, the gazelles eat the grass, and then we eat the gazelles, and thenlion and cub we poop out the gazelles and they go back into the grass. And then a baboon smears Welch’s Grape Jelly on your forehead and that’s how you become king…

 

 

 

 

 

But the ultimate rule for survival, whether you are the hunter,

Jack Russell terrier, Rosie, on the alert
By the pricking of my thumbs, something foxy this way comes

 

 

 

 

 

or the hunted,

You looking at me?

 

 

 

 

 

is something that everyone who has ever served in the Armed Forces , or any disciplined service knows…


BRITISH TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

The Funniest Gag at the 2011 Edinburgh Festival Fringe was this one-liner from Tim Vine;

Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Tell you what – never again!”

These others are from a recently-published survey.You’ll probably know some of them, but they are all timeless. Many of them come from Tommy Cooper‘s act.

It’s interesting to see how few of them are of the put-down variety so common in American humour, which just shows how tastes differ according to culture. The real test is to see if they’re still funny when translated into another language.

1. The Ugliest Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

2. The Zoo

”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3. Bar Stories (1)

”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

4 Blondes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag

”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

6.Teenagers

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7.Love is in the Air

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8.  Doctor, Doctor (1)

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home‘. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked.  ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

9.Diet drinks

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

10. Bar Stories(2)

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

11. Doctor, Doctor (2)

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

12. Mother-in-law

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13.Chat Lines

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

14.Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

15 Goldfish.

There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

16.Shopping (1)

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

17.Put-Down

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

18.Doctor, Doctor (3)

”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

19. Phone-in (1)

I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

20 Phone-in (2).

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

21.Bar Stories (3)

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

22.Sleeping

Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

23. Bar Stories (4)

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

24. Bar Stories (5)

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

25.Phone-in (3)

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”

26. Cleaning Up

I cleaned out the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27.Shopping (2)

Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

28 Chess (1)

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

29. Shopping (3)

I was in Tesco the other day and I saw this man and a woman wrapped up in a barcode. I said. “Are you two an item?”

30. Marmite

I’m feeling great becaiuse I entered a competition and won a year’s free supply of Marmite…one jar.

31Chinese restaurant.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

32.Bar Stories (6)

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

33 Chess (2).

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34.Puns

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35 Shopping (4)

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

36 Betting

I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.

37.Shopping (5)

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

38. Tortoises

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. Phone-in (4).

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

40.Trains

I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

41 Eskimos.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

42 Friends

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

43.Neighbours

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

44.Bar Stories (7)

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

45. Water Polo

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46.Enjoyment

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. Gangsters

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Shopping (6)

Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

49 Greenpeace

A seal walks into a club…

50.Doctor, Doctor (4)

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went  –  and I got it.

The Wild Colonial Boys

These days, of course, the United States weilds the big stick as the self-appointed Guardian of World Democracy.Yes, children, but there was a time when Britain was truly Great and sending a gunboat actuallyGunboat diplomacy stopped almost as many wars as they started.

The legacy of those times lives on for better or, mostly, worse all around the globe, but perhaps nowhere more poignantly than in London itself, once the centre of the universe, and now…

As jaded relics of former glory go, the clubland of Britain’s capital has gone further than most. Let us take a look through the windows of this fine old Victorian edifice. What do we find inside the hallowed portals of the Colonial Club?

Behold the visitors – 3 stalwart representatives of America’s law enforcement agencies. First up, an NYPD Blue, in dubious civilian clothing, apparently trying to impersonate Al Pacino as Serpico.

Next to him, doing his best not to fall off his barstool while riding it like a motorbike (how droll) is a ChiP.

Delicately distancing himself fom tthe other two is the only occupant of the room to wear a suit. Royalty? No, far superior, it is a Chief Special Agent In Charge Of Chiefly Special Agents for the FBI. Slumming.

Their hosts for the evening are 2 pukka sahib types, as alike as peas in a pod. Perkins and Thompson, or possibly Thomkins and Person. They are doing their best to ignore the gin-fuelled mutterings of another Englishman, slumped in the corner of the bar. We will come to him later.

Meanwhile, let us listen to these Colonial Police Officers, for such is what they are, as they entertain their American cousins.

“Well,of course,” says Thompson (or Perkins), “there’s no question that you chaps do a wonderful job where you come from, but I doubt if you have any officers who could match Carruthers (or possibly Carstairs).

Askari soldierHe was a sub-Inspector in my old outfit, the Kenyan Police, during the Mau Mau uprisings. He was in his Landrover with an Askari driver when they came to a native settlement where 50 Mau Mau terrorists were rioting and generally misbehaving.

Well, the driver braked so hard, the Landrover swerved into a ditch and before you could say , er, anything at all, the Askari was offski.

Carstairs was just about to write him a ticket for leaving the scene of an accident when the Mau Mau boys saw him, and one of them threw an assegai that ripped through his stomach and left his entrails spilling out on to the floor.

Did that worry Carrutherstairs? Not at all! He bent down, picked up his intestines, shoved them back in his stomach, drew his revolver and shouted, ‘Disperse, in the Queen’s name’

The Mau Mau were so stunned by his bravery that they all fled. That man’s a Superintendent in our Force now.”

Murmurs of appreciation from the visiting Americans, and loud belchings from the johnny in the corner.

“Pish and tush and similar,” cries Parkinsims. “Our Force has better men than that. Back in The Emergency we had a chappie in the Malay Police,

 

Malay Police during the Emergency
"Are you a terrorist?"

 

Probationary Inspector Saunders, who was on river patrol with a couple of Dayak lascars when he came upon 100 Communist Terrorists pillaging and raping a rubber plantation.(can this be right? Ed.)

The native constables lost control and crashed the boat into the jetty so hard that they both went head first through the windows of the estate-manager’s bungalow.

Saunders immediately cited the lascar for breaking and entering, and was about to do the same for the Dayak (nothing queer about Saunders!), when the terrorists opened fire on him with sub-machine guns.

What do you think happened? They blew the top of his head off, and his cranium fell out on to the ground.

Was he bothered? No, sir!. Plucky young Saunders picked up the grey matter, dropped it into his skull, drew his pistol and shouted, ‘Disperse, in the Queen’s name’.

The terrorists were so afraid of this indestructible superman that they fled. Saunders is a Senior Superintendent in our Force now.”

Luckily for our sanity, we will never know what stories the Americans would have invented to match these heroic tales, because, just as they open their collective mouths, the drunk in the corner (remember him?) waves his glass at the others and says,

“You guys think you’re something special, don’t you? Well, let me tellRoyal Hong Kong Police you, I’m from the Royal Hong Kong Police, the finest force that money can buy, and we’ve got more than 100 guys in our Force with no guts, no brains, and they’re ALL fucking Superintendents.”

Amazing Success of Police Quiz!!

 

clipping from OldChinaHand Times

 

Scenes of incredulous jubilation greeted this news flash from GoogleMail;

“Warmest congratulations on your outstanding post debut.

In fact, your post “Quiz For Police Officers” was the No. 9 best post about humour!

Here’s how your post stacks up against others:

Post: Quiz For Police Officers
Your Tag Your Rank Time Period
humour 9 All-time
police 4 All-time

Unfortunately, ace  investigator Bill Warrington was unavailable for comment. (Drunk!. Head copy boy)

The Editor was also unavailable, still ROFLHAO from a previous article. (Actually trying to shag a table leg. Head copy boy)

It was left up to the Head (and only) copy boy to make the following enquiries;

Where did the email come from?               Forgot to look.

Who voted for the post?                                 Don’t know.

How many humorous posts were there?     9

How many Police posts? No, don’t tell me, let me guess. 4, right?

Mark Twain probably said something about newspapers that would be relevant here, but you can look it up for yourselves. Great news like this needs celebrating.

Cheers.

American Man thinks Dalek in the rings of a tree is Jesus

 Like the Shroud of Turin and UFOs, when we come upon an image out of its

Mr. Johnson holding tree trunk with image of a Dalek.
Jesus or a Dalek?

 normal context, we interpret it according to our own social customs and beliefs.

It is hardly surprising, therefore, that when Bill Johnson of Midway, North Carolina noticed a strange marking in the interior of a downed tree, he thought it resembled Jesus Christ. complete with robe and halo.

As reported in The Winston-Salem Journal:

It all started about 10 days ago, Johnson said. A large limb had fallen from a cherry tree in his front yard. The landlord came and cut the broken limb into smaller pieces, stacking the limbs by a bench next to the tree.

Johnson said he first saw the image when he was out walking his dog, Pogo.

“I happened to look down there and I said, ‘That looks like Jesus,'” he said. “It just amazed me.”

The newspaper doesn’t record what Pogo thought of it, but dogs and trees…

And that, really, is the point. Pogo wouldn’t see the same image as Bill, and neither would just about any of Britain’s Baby Boom generation, who wouldDaleks immediately recognise Dr. Who’s most famous adversary.

Cargo Cult JohnFrumCrossTanna1967
Cargo Cult JohnFrumCross

In fact, certain of the indiginous tribes of Papua New Guinea, who adhere to the Cargo Cult, would actually recognise…but that’s another story.

.

Straw Poll

Straw Poll by Bill Warrington

 

Taking a straw poll

It’s always gratifying for bloggers to receive comments about their posts. Whether good, bad, or indifferent, they are an indication that the post has actually been read by those who trawl the blogosphere in search of entertainment.

The Bloggers’ Little Helper who assists me in protecting this site from particularly intrusive and unwanted spam goes by the name of Akismet.

In most instances, Akismet is unhesitating in identifying comments which are not actually relevant to the posts to which they purport to reply. (Too long-winded. Get on with it. Ed.)

The other day, Akismet came upon a lengthy screed which masqueraded as a reply to our article Frankenspud’s Revenge.

 

World's Biggest Potato - photo by Brad Wakefield/SWNS

 

You don’t need to have read the whole article to appreciate this story, just suffice it to know that it’s vaguely about GM crops.

Shyly, Akismet asked if I would adjudicate and determine if it was indeed a spam comment.

Having read the comment, I suspect that some of the content may have become lost in translation, as the writer does not seem to be a native English speaker.

I have done my best to re-create what I think was the original interview.

Inteview posted by international straw shoe salesman V.U. Jessian aux Maples of Altoworld.De in reply to Frankenspud’s Revenge.

Q: What is the best use for straw in growing  huge potatoes??

A: I’ve continually reasoning it would be best to accept those straw toe-wear against when I do out of doors sports such as canoeing and dragon boating.

 

Dragon boat

 

These special straw ones pamper to salt water outside in unusual because of the examination thick material it is made of.

Q. I see. Do you reccommend wearing straw sandals instead of wellingtons, then?

A. When I harmonize digging potatoes I in use accustomed to to either go with my undecorated feet or slippers, but was till the end of time having problems with both. Being barren footed meant that I sway away hurt by any debris that may cut when I slog on the sand.

Q.  Yes, that’s always a problem. Are straw sandals considered a fashionable item in your farming community?

A. I didn’t think of getting such show off shoes in the primary place. I imagine it was because my idea of deride rubber boots was unceasingly in compensation race, and not for other out of doors activities.

Q. Do you find you need lots of straw sandals?

A. Not at best can I wheedle an immense double of outdoor straw sandals for my water sports, but I can from a five fingers entire!

Q. Sorry, what was that about 5 fingers?

A Not inevitable why they call it five fingers despite the fact that, since actually the entertainment is in the guise of your five toes.

Q. Of course. So, how is this relevant to growing GM potatoes?

A. I divine the toe-shaped display shoes makes it look like a network of some throw,but at least I can walk along the pontoon or run aground zone in gladden, incompatible with when I occupied to boogie barefooted.

Q. So you would reccommend growers of GM crops to wear straw sandals when they go dancing?

A. I couldn’t really find wares incredible out of doors divertissement shoes, so this descry has categorically enhanced my farming experience and sure made me a happy camper this time. And although I cannot beat a hasty retreat with it as my feet old to cripple or bring back scorched from the fervid clay, these shoes look like from the exceed and bottom.

There is more, but my editor’s ROFLHAO and won’t let me print it.


Sleepy Time Sex

Slumber Party
Image by anyjazz65 via Flickr

A slumber party is one thing, but some things can happen while you’re asleep that get out of hand, so to speak and that may or may not be how you get pregnant

It depends on the circumstances.

A 35-year-old man was convicted of the rape of a sleeping woman at a party in Haparanda in northern Sweden in April, despite claims that he was also fast asleep at the time.

The court heard expert witness testimony from Per-Axel Karlsson, a senior physician at the psychiatric clinic in Öjebyn, who argued that it was extremely unlikely that the man would have been able to commit the rape while asleep.

Karlsson argued that as the man’s actions were “complex and goal-orientated” there is no way the man could have been mid-slumber.

As you might expect, comments on this article ranged from immediate reaction;

Well its extremely funny Glamshek

I doubt if the victim thought it was funny. JulieLou40

to personal experiences confirming the phenomenon from SarahRF and Waajid

In fact, the condition was defined in a paper called “Sexsomnia — A New Parasomnia?” published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry in June 2003. The first doctor to coin the term “sleep sex” was Dr. David Saul Rosenfeld, a neurologist and sleep doctor from Los Angeles, California.

And because sleep sex now has proper credentials, a watchdog site is there to warn us “Some people seem to enjoy it and view it with a sense of humor. However, it can be disturbing, annoying, embarrassing and is a potentially serious problem for some couples and individuals.”

Well, of course it’s not funny, but some of the advice given is. Take this tip on

how to avoid sleep sex from The Independant;

American Academy of Sleep Medicine, recommends sleeping every night 7-8 hours if you are an adult”

Avoid having sex in your sleep by sleeping for 8 hours. Good one.

Another tip is provided by a 43-year-old virgin, who has revealed how she fastens a wire chain around her upper thigh every night to ensure she remains celibate.

Cilice

Apparently, the Manchester University physics graduate, who is a senior female figure in Opus Dei, attaches a cilice to her upper thigh for two hours every night.

Off-putting,no? Surely there are better ways for safer sex?

If you’re not careful, it’s revelations like these that can lead to international best-sellers about shadowy Catholic organisations and their secret sexual practices.

A QUIZ FOR POLICE OFFICERS

 

Armed police officers outside Buckingham Palace
Image by Trojan631 via Flickr

 

This is adapted from a round-robin email, so the credit for the original goes to whoever puts their hand up.

Scenario:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.  Suddenly a wild eyed man carrying a large knife comes round the corner, locks eyes with you,screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.  You are carrying a Glock .40 and are an expert shot.  You have mere seconds to respond before he reaches you wife and family.  What do you do?

English Police officer’s answer:

“Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question.

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I done anything which could have caused him to attack us?

Could we run away?  What does my wife think?  Should I ask the kids if they are scared?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?  Does my Force have a Management Policy covering this?

Does the Glock have an approved safety function built into it and am I using it in an authorised Health and Safety fashion?  Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what sort of message does this give to society?

Is it possible he’d be content with killing just me and leaving my wife and kids alone?  Does he definitely want to kill me or does he intend to merely wound or maim me?

If I were to grab his knees could my family escape while he is busy stabbing me?  Should I call 999 or try and phone for a taxi?

Why is this street so deserted?  We need to have a paint and weed day and make this a happier healthier area where behaviour of this sort would not be tolerated.

If I raise my gun and he turns around and runs away, will I be blamed if he falls over and injures himself?  Will I, or the taxpayer have to foot the legal and medical bill for any injuries he may sustain?

If I shoot him and lose the court case, would this give him the opportunity to sue me, costing me my job, pension, credibility and loss of my family home?

Am I being culturally sensitive enough and will I be offending his family, ethnic background, racial or religious group if I wound or kill him?  Will I have to defend myself against accusations of racism if I shoot him?

Australian Police officer’s answer:

BANG!

American Police officer’s answer:

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG,
Click (sound of reloading)
BANG, BANG, BANG.

Russian Police officer’s answer: