Funny men attractive to women but only those looking for a one night stand

Allegheny College's Ford Memorial Chapel - ‘ed...
Allegheny College’s Ford Memorial Chapel – ‘educational seminar’ (21 February 2013) …item 4.. Upcoming Sexuality Workshop — Friday, March 1, 2013 at Harvard University, School of Graduate Arts & Sciences. … (Photo credit: marsmet521)

This example of in-depth research is the key to finding the kind of men women want. Makes you think, doesn’t it? Do you suppose 40 Liberal Arts students would be more or less inclined to find funny things to do with chocolate and hairspray than 40 Psychology students?

11 Free Tips To Find The 5 Principles Of The Secret Tao Of 7 Steps To Success Of Facebook Marketing. Free. Part I

Catchy title, no? As any SEO expert, or journalism undergraduate will tell you, for free, the secret of writing free tips is to get as many free keyword numbers in as possible. Preferably for free.

Unless I’ve misunderstood.

Although in our search for the 7 Steps towards Marketing Successs on Facebook, the Secret Tao must remain secret – at least until Part II – the 5 Principles can be named. They are, in fact Yat, Dva, Tres, Vier and Eneuf.

One may find Oneself wondering where Wordsworth wandered.

Recent statistcs show that Google has more than 109 visitors every day, although this figure may be open to dispute.
Based on  my own extensive research witn Facebook friends I have virtually met, what actually happens to Google visitors is that they  spend at least 5 minutes logging on, and then scan at least 1 page for 20 seconds after it has loaded.

OK, here it is then;

The Simple 7 Step Approach to Prospecting on Facebook and Skype

1. Switch on.
2. Wait for connection to the Internet
3. Make coffee
4. Scan web page for 20 secs.
5. Navigate to new page
6. Wait for it to load
7. Make coffee

For advanced Entrepreneurs;
8. GOTO 4
9. Stay in the loop

I can’t reveal any more at this stage for reasons of economy. Although, unlike the Bard, I have world enough and time, I do not yet have your e-mail address.

Shit. That’s given the game away, hasn’t it?

Thus does Google make geeks of us all.

As Baroness Orzcy almost said,;
“They Google him here,
They Google him there

What is Spam to one person, is just luncheon meat to another. Mmmm. Tasty.

If this makes sense, tell 5 friends. If it doesn’t my name has  been  MXYZPTLK.

BRITISH TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

The Funniest Gag at the 2011 Edinburgh Festival Fringe was this one-liner from Tim Vine;

Tommy Cooper
Tommy Cooper (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Tell you what – never again!”

These others are from a recently-published survey.You’ll probably know some of them, but they are all timeless. Many of them come from Tommy Cooper‘s act.

It’s interesting to see how few of them are of the put-down variety so common in American humour, which just shows how tastes differ according to culture. The real test is to see if they’re still funny when translated into another language.

1. The Ugliest Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

2. The Zoo

”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3. Bar Stories (1)

”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

4 Blondes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag

”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

6.Teenagers

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7.Love is in the Air

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8.  Doctor, Doctor (1)

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home‘. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked.  ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

9.Diet drinks

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

10. Bar Stories(2)

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

11. Doctor, Doctor (2)

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

12. Mother-in-law

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13.Chat Lines

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

14.Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

15 Goldfish.

There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

16.Shopping (1)

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

17.Put-Down

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

18.Doctor, Doctor (3)

”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

19. Phone-in (1)

I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

20 Phone-in (2).

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

21.Bar Stories (3)

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

22.Sleeping

Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

23. Bar Stories (4)

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

24. Bar Stories (5)

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

25.Phone-in (3)

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”

26. Cleaning Up

I cleaned out the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27.Shopping (2)

Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

28 Chess (1)

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

29. Shopping (3)

I was in Tesco the other day and I saw this man and a woman wrapped up in a barcode. I said. “Are you two an item?”

30. Marmite

I’m feeling great becaiuse I entered a competition and won a year’s free supply of Marmite…one jar.

31Chinese restaurant.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

32.Bar Stories (6)

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

33 Chess (2).

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34.Puns

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35 Shopping (4)

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

36 Betting

I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.

37.Shopping (5)

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

38. Tortoises

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. Phone-in (4).

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

40.Trains

I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

41 Eskimos.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

42 Friends

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

43.Neighbours

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

44.Bar Stories (7)

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

45. Water Polo

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46.Enjoyment

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. Gangsters

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Shopping (6)

Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

49 Greenpeace

A seal walks into a club…

50.Doctor, Doctor (4)

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went  –  and I got it.

American Man thinks Dalek in the rings of a tree is Jesus

 Like the Shroud of Turin and UFOs, when we come upon an image out of its

Mr. Johnson holding tree trunk with image of a Dalek.
Jesus or a Dalek?

 normal context, we interpret it according to our own social customs and beliefs.

It is hardly surprising, therefore, that when Bill Johnson of Midway, North Carolina noticed a strange marking in the interior of a downed tree, he thought it resembled Jesus Christ. complete with robe and halo.

As reported in The Winston-Salem Journal:

It all started about 10 days ago, Johnson said. A large limb had fallen from a cherry tree in his front yard. The landlord came and cut the broken limb into smaller pieces, stacking the limbs by a bench next to the tree.

Johnson said he first saw the image when he was out walking his dog, Pogo.

“I happened to look down there and I said, ‘That looks like Jesus,'” he said. “It just amazed me.”

The newspaper doesn’t record what Pogo thought of it, but dogs and trees…

And that, really, is the point. Pogo wouldn’t see the same image as Bill, and neither would just about any of Britain’s Baby Boom generation, who wouldDaleks immediately recognise Dr. Who’s most famous adversary.

Cargo Cult JohnFrumCrossTanna1967
Cargo Cult JohnFrumCross

In fact, certain of the indiginous tribes of Papua New Guinea, who adhere to the Cargo Cult, would actually recognise…but that’s another story.

.

Sleepy Time Sex

Slumber Party
Image by anyjazz65 via Flickr

A slumber party is one thing, but some things can happen while you’re asleep that get out of hand, so to speak and that may or may not be how you get pregnant

It depends on the circumstances.

A 35-year-old man was convicted of the rape of a sleeping woman at a party in Haparanda in northern Sweden in April, despite claims that he was also fast asleep at the time.

The court heard expert witness testimony from Per-Axel Karlsson, a senior physician at the psychiatric clinic in Öjebyn, who argued that it was extremely unlikely that the man would have been able to commit the rape while asleep.

Karlsson argued that as the man’s actions were “complex and goal-orientated” there is no way the man could have been mid-slumber.

As you might expect, comments on this article ranged from immediate reaction;

Well its extremely funny Glamshek

I doubt if the victim thought it was funny. JulieLou40

to personal experiences confirming the phenomenon from SarahRF and Waajid

In fact, the condition was defined in a paper called “Sexsomnia — A New Parasomnia?” published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry in June 2003. The first doctor to coin the term “sleep sex” was Dr. David Saul Rosenfeld, a neurologist and sleep doctor from Los Angeles, California.

And because sleep sex now has proper credentials, a watchdog site is there to warn us “Some people seem to enjoy it and view it with a sense of humor. However, it can be disturbing, annoying, embarrassing and is a potentially serious problem for some couples and individuals.”

Well, of course it’s not funny, but some of the advice given is. Take this tip on

how to avoid sleep sex from The Independant;

American Academy of Sleep Medicine, recommends sleeping every night 7-8 hours if you are an adult”

Avoid having sex in your sleep by sleeping for 8 hours. Good one.

Another tip is provided by a 43-year-old virgin, who has revealed how she fastens a wire chain around her upper thigh every night to ensure she remains celibate.

Cilice

Apparently, the Manchester University physics graduate, who is a senior female figure in Opus Dei, attaches a cilice to her upper thigh for two hours every night.

Off-putting,no? Surely there are better ways for safer sex?

If you’re not careful, it’s revelations like these that can lead to international best-sellers about shadowy Catholic organisations and their secret sexual practices.

Vampires In Warrington

Vampire or Werewolf?

Is this anything worth giving up an afternoon’s drinking for?” muttered Bill Warrington as he staggered blearily along Bridge Street in search of Vampires and Zombies. A story had recently appeared to his editor in a dream, suggesting that vampires, werewolves and similar had been seen indulging in secret beer-drinking rituals in Warrington’s underground caverns. The information, which came from an unusually unreliable source , suggested that a series of cellars connecting  Warrington Station with a secret location was the scene of some strange goings-on. Whether these cellars these cellars were originally constructed as part of storm drain Bunker leading to the Manchester Ship Canal, or were a lost branch of the famous Williamson Tunnels, was of no interest to anyone.

Bill had been tasked to manufacture (investigate , surely? Ed.) a story about the descendants of the tunnel builders,a zombie-like race, known as Irish Navvies, who never saw the light of day. At least when sober.

Lots of important people who know all about Warrington have denied that there were ever any such tunnels. One bloke in a pub drinking a.Vampire’s Kiss said he couldn’t care less. It appeared that there was no story about Zombies.

.But Bill had a source of information on Vampires.

Tracking Deep Bite to his lair in a booth in Porters Ale House was an easy task for a hack with Bill’s drinking habits. He found him sitting there wearing a pair of Grouch Marx spectacles and moustache, drinking a long ale.

But the initial reaction of Warrington’s foremost authority on underground culture was to deny any knowledge about anything.

Worldly-wise Warrington wearily withdrew a wodge and wafted it in front of the dubiously disguised Deep Bite. “Is there something in this hand that would make you remember about vampires?”

Deep Bite:

First thing I have to say about vampires. We do NOT… I repeat NOT… Sparkle in the daylight. Last thing I want to hear is another mortal swooning over Edward Cullen!

Bill W:

It has been reported in the British Psychological Society, that Vampires may be classified as succesful psycopaths who are ruthless, callous, fearless and arrogant.The report says that thanks to their superior self-control and conscientiousness, rather than landing in prison, they end up as company chief executives, university chancellors and Queen’s Council barristers. What do you say to that?

Deep Bite:

There are a lot of famous people who are actually vampires. You can tell who they are, because to make them look ‘normal’ they have to apply a LOT of fake tan. I can not tell you their names however, as we are all sworn to secrecy, however, If I say “Cheap as chips” or “Supermarket Sweep” I think you will know what I mean.

Bill W:

OK, how about this, then? Leading vampire expert Stephen Marche, writing in Esquire magazine on 13th Oct said,“Vampires have overwhelmed pop culture because young straight women want to have sex with gay men.” He went on to say “vampires are normal. They’re not Goth, they’re not scary, they’re not even that weird.”

Deep Bite:
W
e do not like the emo clique at all. They are annoying beyond compare. We are not as dangerous as people might think however. Yes we do bite, etc… however the Were’s are worse, with all that hair, all over their bodies.

And its not just the Werewolves, there are weres of pretty much every creature out there, including the weresquirrell… You can spot them easily by there huge red beards and their strange habbits when eating nuts. To try to blend in, they often just call themselves ‘furries’.

At this point our reporter made an excuse and left.

As he drifted off into the night, Bill wondered what the physicists Costas Efthimiou and Sohang Gandhi would have made of these revelations. After all, they had recently published a report proving that vampires didn’t exist.

They argued that, if vampires had first appeared on 1st January 1600, then the human race would have been eaten up by June 1602. They had gone on to say;

Another philosophical principal related to our argument is the truism given the elaborate title, the anthropic principle. This states that if something is necessary for human existence, then it must be true since we do exist. In the present case, the nonexistence of vampires is necessary for human existence. Apparently, whomever devised the vampire legend had failed his college algebra and philosophy courses.”

Obviously, they never met Deep Bite.

Since this story first came to light, a significant silence has settled on Warrington, which has more than 100K residents. Not a single one has commented on this story. A conspiracy? Or something even less sinister?

Tweeting is the New Psychology. Philosophy, Too.

Rooney playing for England
Image via Wikipedia
It is a fact of modern society that those in the public eye have little choice but to have their private lives subjected to public scrutiny.
Hard on the heels of the revelations about Wayne Rooney’s off-pitch activities comes the hard core psychological analysis and advice from some of the Twitterverse’s deepest thinkers.
Natalie Rooney
Natalie Rooney, one of Wayne’s cousins, used her Twitter account within hours of the news surfacing, tweeting:
“Just bag him & bin him. You deserve a million times better. Not someone who does this to you and treats you like dirt while he’s out sleeping with dirt. Xx”
This advice seems to be wholeheartedly endorsed by the British Psychological Society.
Accor4ding to research by  Xiuping Li and colleagues of the National University of Singapore,
“If something’s troubling you, write it down, put it in an envelope and seal it. Doing so will help bring you psychological closure.
Sealing a disturbing news story in an envelope reduced the negative emotional impact of the story and reduced participants’ memory of it.”
This advice is being published in Sealing the Emotions Genie: The Effects of Physical Enclosure on Psychological Closure, with Liyuan Wei and Dilip Soman, Psychological Science, 2010
Natalie has arrived at the same scientific conclusion via her personal philosophy. As her Twitter bio says, Natalie “No longer thinks…just tweets!! Wayne Rooneys Cousin LOL!!”

So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish

douglas adams inspired "Hitch hikers guid...
Image via Wikipedia

As Douglas Adams told us , dolphins are a lot smarter than we think.

Here’s proof in an article from Anuschka de Rohan writing in http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2003/jul/03/research.science/print

At the Institute for Marine Mammal Studies in Mississippi, Kelly the dolphin has built up quite a reputation. All the dolphins at the institute are trained to hold onto any litter that falls into their pools until they see a trainer, when they can trade the litter for fish. In this way, the dolphins help to keep their pools clean.

 

dolphins-rampant-001
Photograph: Stephen Frink/Getty Images

 

Kelly has taken this task one step further. When people drop paper into the water she hides it under a rock at the bottom of the pool. The next time a trainer passes, she goes down to the rock and tears off a piece of paper to give to the trainer. After a fish reward, she goes back down, tears off another piece of paper, gets another fish, and so on.

This behaviour is interesting because it shows that Kelly has a sense of the future and delays gratification. She has realised that a big piece of paper gets the same reward as a small piece and so delivers only small pieces to keep the extra food coming. She has, in effect, trained the humans.

Her cunning has not stopped there. One day, when a gull flew into her pool, she grabbed it, waited for the trainers and then gave it to them. It was a large bird and so the trainers gave her lots of fish. This seemed to give Kelly a new idea.

The next time she was fed, instead of eating the last fish, she took it to the bottom of the pool and hid it under the rock where she had been hiding the paper. When no trainers were present, she brought the fish to the surface and used it to lure the gulls, which she would catch to get even more fish.

After mastering this lucrative strategy, she taught her calf, who taught other calves, and so gull-baiting has become a hot game among the dolphins.

OK, I grant you this is not exactly breaking news, as it first appeared in July 2003. Nevertheless, it’s a lovely story.

Thanks to Tyler Cowen, who brought it to my attention in Marginal Revolution.